70 Things (and growing)

70 THINGS YOU SHOULD’VE LEARNED BY NOW

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth, Women are from earth … Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It’s not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness’.

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday; that time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

38. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark; a large group of professionals built the Titanic.

39. Your friends like you anyway.

40. You can not make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

41. No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

42. It takes years to build trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

43. You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes.  After that you better have a big willy or huge boobs.

44. You shouldn’t compare yourself to others, they are more screwed up than you think.

45. You can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

46. You are responsible for what you do, unless you are a celebrety.

47. Regardless how hot and steamy a relationship starts out, the passion fades, and then there better be a lot of money to take its place.

48. 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.

49. The people you care most about are taken from you too soon, the less important ones just never go away.

50. Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.

51. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

52. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

53. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

54. There are two theories to arguing with women.  Neither one works.

55. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’.  It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

56. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

57. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

58. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

59. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

60. If you lend someone$20 and never see them again, it was probably a good investment.

61. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Theach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

62. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

63. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

64. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple car payments.

65. Never test the depth of water with both feet.

66. Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else.

67. Don’t be irreplacable.  If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

68. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So, if you’re going to steal your neighbours newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

69. The journey of a thousand miles, begins with a broken fan belt, and a leaky tire.

70. Don’t walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Don’t walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Don’t walk beside me either.  Just pretty much leave me alone.

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